To you, because you are unique in the world

Planting seeds and removing contraception

Sjöhäst — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 18:45:07 +0000

Not as upfront as the title suggest to be honest. I went to the doctors today to make an appointment for them to remove my contraceptive implant (Annie). I have had it in for three years and I like to blame it for fucking up my life a little bit. I think it has helped in making me enormous. I don’t want to play with my body for a while. I don’t want to get drunk or miss periods…but just let it be, and work in harmony with it; giving it what it needs and forgetting what it does not. I was sat in my new garden today with Jodi. She is my lovely new housemate. After eating rice cakes she showed me how to make plants give birth and make tiny little baby plants. I have given it ago. I shall keep you updated on their progess. They are lined in pretty pots in the garden, I can watch them grow (most likely perish) from my bedroon window. The move has made me a much hapier person. I can hear that cat purring next to me as I write this on my bed.

I tossed an old pair of trainers up onto our shoe tree. It feels like I have officially moved in. And, with David Gray playing in the background, I contemplate starting my essay. I havent been as weight conscience as before for the moment. Its best not to keep weighing myself and fixate on numbers, but better to try and fit into those old jeans, or sparkly top which flashes at me on its coat hanger…’Wear Me, Wear Me, Dazzle’ My hair is blonde again too…less ginger…more Alissa. Im back baby. And for some blonde dieting inspiration…

Mimi and the boxes

Sjöhäst — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 19:40:23 +0000

So i returned to Aberdeen today from a good few weeks away on travels which were uni related. it feels nice to be back in Aberdeen and a new flat. I like new beginnings and have been spending the last day or so placing pretty things around my new room and smelling the freshness of my new duvet sheets. This would not have been possible for a few of my friends and family and it is times like this I am very grateful of them. Short and sweet, but im sure I will be able to give a better update soon… I have the internet back again now so there is nothing stopping me. I have a grand plan to rid myself of these evil mood swings and it involves getting rid of Annie! hoorah!

The Juice – A note to myself

Sjöhäst — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 20:52:33 +0000

A note to myself. Remember how he made you feel so alone in a crowded room, on a night where all you wanted was a little reassurance that you were the one for him. Recall your vulnerability, and thw way he did nothing to make you feel special. No comments, words are food for the soul, and right now it feels empty. Do not forget all that you can be. If he does not love you at your worst, he does not deserve to love you at your best. He can offer all the presents in the world, but not gifted for the right reason, they just become a wager for a smile. Remember the simple things, as they mean most. Remember the way he turned his back at the bar and made you feel like you don’t belong. Learn by heart his wandering eye and comments made to make you feel low, in comparison to another girl. Consider that he left you to stray, making you feel like a lamb amongst the lions.

Far few introductions. Commit to memory to way you feel just at this very moment, an empty feeling in your gut and a sprinkling of doubt. He could have walked you back to the room, instead you wandered, holding in the tears, breaking just as you reach sanctuary. Remember each tear that you have hid.

Try to recall your last meaningful conversation, when you have felt like an equal or your imput is truly valued. You can recall many more conversations with other people before your last with him. Replay the way he would hold your body, like it would be easy to replace. Think about what you want for life. Is this is? Its not. It doesn’t feel like it is all that you deserve. Do you want to feel this way forever?

Remember that you are allowed to feel secure and loved. It is acceptable to want compliments and praise for you deserve much more than is given. You have the need for spiritual, creative and emotional happiness. This happiness and wellbeing is best when shared with someone who is able to open up and make you feel like one in a million.

You are alone in a hotel room just now, craving emotional support, someone to hold you. This someone is holding someone else, dancing, having a good time and forgetting your angst. Remember that you would not want to ever make someone feel the way you do just now. You need someone, just anyone at this moment…This bottomless pit is expanding, you are falling, remember this cry for help and remember my response. Help yourself, because you are the only constant. Do not be afraid to walk with giants, alone in the world. Consider all you are worth, and all that he has let slip. Your worth, is not negotiable.

But nor is his. Remember the times you have made him feel the way you are feeling inside. Remember the many more times he has made you laugh, made you feel like this is supposed to last forever. Remember that look in his eye when you told him how unhappy you are. Do not forget how light he has made you feel, how perfectly fragile but tougher than a mountain. How protected you feel in his arms. Focus on hurt in your stomach from laughing so hard. Commit to memory the dancing in the living room when no music is playing. Remember all the hurt, then blow it away with the inordinate amount of happiness he has also brought into your life. Remember the blissful feeling when he takes your hand in the darkness. Recall his face, eyes, laugh and kiss. The juice is worth the squeeze.

Right now I hate what you have made me become

Sjöhäst — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 10:22:06 +0000

Your dreams for our relationship
Are so grand I could never
Stand in their way.

Please,
Write me now and again
And let me know how we’re doing.

The dawn of beauty always comes after night

Sjöhäst — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 08:44:22 +0000

Is anybody out there

Sjöhäst — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 02:57:30 +0000

Its 03.41 in the morning and I am sat in Tobermory harbour on a ship. I am on watch, which basically involves making sure the ship and my fellow crew members do not sink to the bottom of the sea. There have been no mechanical fires and I am happy to say that I get to sleep at 4.00 in preparation for my revaille at 06.00. A hectic easter would be an understatement. I feel I should reveal a little more about who I am, instead of always being about my innermost feelings. Well what to say. I am a student studying for my degree in Marine and Coastal Resource Management at Aberdeen university. I have an exciting part time job which involves me learning how to sail and navigate the open waters. It involves staying up till the early hours of the morning if duty commands it, and also playing with ropes in what I would describe as the most hellish conditions possible. Cold, Wet, Rain , Hail and even Snow on this easter deplyment up the Caledonian Canal.The pay is average and the food is free and there are communal dining times… This makes eating a bit of a nightmare and I find that often I overeat to compensate for the fact that I have worked my ass off that day. The outcome is one of elasticated waist bands and stomach ache, a slight dose of regret and self pity, follwoed by a sprinkling of reform and resolution.

I am quite happy as I have taken this opportunity and it has allowed me to see more of Scotland, the beautiful West Coast, Outer Hebrides, Ben Nevis and Loch Ness, Mull and Tobermory. It is just a shame I have not been able to explore on my own timescale, but it is definately a start. I have not managed to locate Nessie, but I have been learning alot about myself. I release I cherish my own personal space. That five minuites extra in bed when the morning light hits your face, that stroll in the park on the summers day with a slight detour… just because you can. The snuggly sessions with you , a pillow and nothing but your thoughts. I need to train myself to be more tolerant of others and learn how to react in an appropriate manner when my space is being invaded. I am quite a personal person, I use humour as a defence mechanism and over analyse my own actions.

I see the delight in everyday actions. I know that I am alive and different. My differences comprise of both weaknesses and strengths which are not to be ignored. I am lucky for the opportunities that present themselves to me. I am happy. I look forward to returning to Aberdeen on Monday where I shall be moving flat. My new place has a garden and a cat called MiMi. It is in everyway a fresh beggining and I aim to take advantage of this. Positive thinking will create a positive result. I am tired now, but my thoughts posess me. Im sorry i have not been the best blogger lately. Uni work has had to be the priority, it has taken the place of my weight issues. Im going to throw all my worries; financial, appearances, studies, love life into one manageable pot. Stir them up a little bit, leave them to simmer and spread it thinly on my little piece of bread I call life. And then folks, Im going to take a big bite!

Cinderella Cinderella…

Sjöhäst — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 13:32:45 +0000

Shall go to the ball. The shoe fits and I already have my Prince charming… but why do I feel like an ugly sister. My brothers girlfriend has lost so much weight recently. She is a nursing student and says that it is down to her hectic schedule and working hours. Her pictures on facebook look so stunning, this is not some weird girl crush but she was a size 14 before and now a teeny tiny thing. Perfect.. well, at least I can burrow all of her old clothes. Whereas my weight seems to fluctuate like my moods. I have a ball to go to on Saturday.. and the dress I planned to wear does not fasten at the back any more. Fear not you may cry… these things happen. I wouldn’t be to bothered but it was brought a week ago from a charity shop and was the most beautiful fit. I guess it shows what can change in a week if you do not keep your mind to a goal. I get so easily distracted, my mind tells me I cannot do the things I set out to achieve and I punish my body with all the bad foods because of it. Clearly a sign of emotional eating. My friend and I were having a jokey discussion about how I can loose wight and she said ‘eating is cheating’. We laughed for a while and the truth behind the comment was staring at me in the face. Sometimes it feels like I would have no one to talk about these issues with, it is wasn’t for my blog and all you lovely invisible readers.

I guess I have issues with restraint. Its easy not to have a mega binge on broccoli and cabbage. Our minds tell us we want the things we cant have. I wonder if things would be different if we were told from a young age that broccoli and carrots were a treat. maybe this would give me some kind of restraint when it came to passing the ‘ice cream section’ in any supermarket. Doctor Doctor, I seem to suffer from an incurable sweet tooth. Does anyone out there know of any sweet related diets is this a myth. I think it defeats the object of a diet but meh there is no harm in trying. Its mothers day today, and as my mum lives 700 miles away, I thought I would give her a ring. It was nice, we had a healthy heart to heart about relationships and flowery futures. It put me in quite a good mood for the day. Sun is shining, and despite the fact I lack a magic pumpkin, a glamorous fairy godmother and a dress for the ball……I have no floors to scrub today. Things are looking up. ps – I wish I had this dress.

Green Tea and Glee

Sjöhäst — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 14:24:40 +0000

So today has been a little bit of a lazy day so far. I woke up this morning to the sounds of my flatmate screeching as we had a pipe burst in the living room. It meant that water was everywhere and someone had to stay in for the landlord as he was going to come and sort it out. Excitement. I have lost a bit of weight recently, which I hope I can manage to keep off this time. I decided to invest in some of those Holland and Barratt Fat metabolising pills. I havent quite worked out if it is just my mind telling me I am not hungry, or the green tea and bulking agents filling me up. Have been eating lots of veg, cut out the chocolate and have indulged on low calorie soups and salads. Its not quite Ben and Jerry’s and sweet things, but it seems to be doing something good at least.

My housemates have been encouraging me to go Veggie, and this has had some positive effects. I have been cooking and sealing vegetables for when I fancy a snack. I have noticed this is a bit of a food entry but I suppose I am a little proud of myself. Porridge for breakfast, or weetabix…. To be honest, I have only been having this as I have to use up the things that are already in my cupboard……There is….Rice…..more rice…. and rice…

I have been watching Glee to keep my occupied, and making little seashell shelves! I have developed a bit of a girl crush on the glee cast. They all look so immaculate, and despite the poor dubbing of all musical numbers on the show, it is really quite addictive. I think this glee kid is stunning. Just think, all I have to do to be like this is..Join an american high school, become captain of the cheerios cheerleading squad, a member of the celibacy club, have a gorgeous quarter-back as a boyfriend, sleep with his best friend and get myself pregnant, look immaculate every day for school, be followed aroun by a make up artist, get some serious teeth bleaching done and sing my wee heart out. I think it is definately less stressful in my world

Does anyone else have any famous inspiration?

Reality

Sjöhäst — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 23:52:03 +0000

“I’ve got a tight grip on reality but I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here.
I know you’re leaving in the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream.”

Have you ever met someone who knows exactly what you’re thinking….without you even speaking….just by the look on your face?

Fettisdagen (Fat Tuesday)

Sjöhäst — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 10:28:45 +0000

Fettisdagen is Shrove Tuesday in Swedish, but literally translated as Fat Tuesday. Little useless language fact for you there but its time for a pancake. Im not religous, but as a dieting fuck up, I see it as another chance to start again. I guess people just have to find what works for them. I have learnt about all the drama of not eating, and how hard it is to disguise when around friends and boyfriend. It can cause chaos, chaos that I do not wish for.

Lent is a time of abstinence, of giving things up, so it seems fitting that I prevail and make things right again. So Shrove Tuesday is the last chance to indulge yourself, and to use up the foods that aren’t allowed in Lent. Pancakes are eaten on this day because they contain fat, butter and eggs which were forbidden during Lent. Does anyone know how many calories are in a pancake.. I know it wil vary with size and toppings but just as an idea? Now, I have been doing a self made plan at the moment (well…. beginning a home made plan) But I have to break it just a tinsy bit to have a pancake this evening.

Im doing a Cereal, Salad, Soup regime. Not really a regime as such, I think its easier to follow, and more practical for a student like myself. You eat regularly so avoid getting headaches and dizzyness. It also means your not a complete anti social git when it comes to going out as you are allowed a soup or a salad in a restaurant. Its definately something I can give a good shot at! Just make sure the salad is not drowning in fatty sauces and it should pay off (im hoping). Portion size for me will vary depending on my activity levels. The soups I have been eating have been weightwatchers and homemade… but also I have been drinking the 10 calorie soup sachets. Does anyone know about these? Quite filling for 10 C’s…almost seems to good to be true.

Im getting my protein from small amounts of meat and tuna in salad, taking vitamins and I seem to be fine just now. Its heavily reduced the amount of carbs. Im ususally up there snacking on breads, toast, rolls, pasta… I think its going to be a good thing! Has anyone else made up their own weightloss ideas? Mine isn’t hardcore or anything, but I usually crack under intense programmes and VLCD’s.